bittersweet symphony,,

Well, I was away for some days.. Now I am here again and I have no idea if I am ready to face the reality. I feel like everything is too much. I don't know what I am waiting for, maybe for something to give some meaning in this life I am living..  They say I am selfish and espesialy the most selfish person they know.. I don't care though because I know that I am not.. When I am asking for something, inside me I am dying from guilts when I know that I am asking more that I deserve. I think I don't deserve anything by the way.. So I'm gonna live with it if I can't change it. 
I spend the most of my weekend watching 'vampire diaries' and 'skins'. Two totally different worlds insibe my head. I wasn't in mood for anything else so I didn't ;). 
I gave five minuits of my day today to think if I could leave, where I could go? And I end up somewhere with rainy weather, tons of green and woods you could easily get lost.. I would carry with me my camera, a lot of books, my favorite notebook and a pen so I could write on it, some money to buy cocacola zero, my mp3 and some clothes. There other basic things though that I am not in possition to remember them now. But who cares..?
Some weeks ago I was feeling totally shit, I don't feel better but I feel stronger to deal with it. But I am afraid it's not gonna stay here for a long time, it's okay. Scares me a little bit because I feel safe whan all this darkness comes again. Safe in a strange way, like I now who I am then and that there is nothing worse to happen.. I only want to feel free for a while. I know, maybe I have to wait but I can't. I don't have anything to say it's worth it to stay here strong, alive. It's actually like I have already died. One part of me died and the other part stayed here to watch what the dead part is missing. Nothing important. People judging with no right, feelingless. There are "people" who thing they have any right to judge the others and they consider them selves perfect or just better. But in reality they have nothing more or less to make them better or make the others less good. 
 I felt how it is to be the person that's always not good enough. And the funny part is that I almost died fot be close to good. If people care only for what the others say and the never follow their hearts, then for what actually they living for?